Creed is reuniting. Oh, excuse me, it's not a reunion; it's a "renewing and a rebirth," says Scott Stapp in his typical overbearing, self-important, insufferable manner.
Can you tell I'm excited?
Seriously, does anyone need to be subjected to Creed again? Haven't we paid our dues? Didn't we retire them with the Bush Administration? Creed is like Dick Cheney. They don't know when it's time to say good-bye. I don't need Scott Stapp bringing down my summer just as I'm getting all exited about the Jonas Brothers tour.
Only one good thing could possibly come from a Creed reunion: they can provide a reality check for all the other bands that need to break up. Now. For good. For real. And forever. There are WAY too many bands that have overstayed their welcome and need to be shown the door. Allow me to direct you.
GALLERY: Say goodbye to all of the bands that need to break up.
THE ROLLING STONES
"The greatest rock 'n' roll band in the world" is now just the oldest. Bassist Bill Wyman got smart in 1992 and bailed. The rest should have gotten the same clue. Instead, we're left with "Voodoo Lounge," "Bridges to Babylon," and 17 years of mediocrity that threaten to trample three previous decades of rock genius.
HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH
One could argue that it's more important for some bands to never form at all instead of break up. No argument here. Anyway, lead singer Darius Rucker seems more concerned with his "Who am I now?" solo projects these days (he's currently a country musician after trying to be an urban artist). I'll gladly take a Hootie solo record if it means seeing the Blowfish disappear.
REO SPEEDWAGON
REO represents an entire stable of '80s acts that are milking the retro cow for all she's worth. They lost their record deal at the end of the '90s and have spent the last decade touring the oldies circuit. Feels like it's time to pack it up.
THE FIXX
I know what you're saying: "The Fixx are still together?" Yup. The '80s group that brought us "Red Skies" (loved that record, I admit it) is touring somewhere near you and is "currently in the studio," which is code for "Does anyone want us to make another record?" Nope.
STYX
You can find Styx playing "Mr. Roboto" on a double-bill with REO Speeedwagon. Seriously, they're on tour. There's one reason these guys should stop: Dennis DeYoung, their original lead singer, who split in the '90s due to an illness that left him light-sensitive (no one digs a concert without lights). Styx continued with a replacement. Lame. That's like Queen continuing without Freddie Mercury. Wait a minute...
METALLICA
Yeah, I said it. Metallica needs to quit. I don't know the first thing about them. I don't dig metal. I do agree that their last album sounded a bit distorted. Still, they look silly thrashing with their receding hairlines and hair plugs. A metal band needs to leave on top while they're young, rocking, and aren't likely to pinch a nerve from head-banging. It's a rule written somewhere.
THE ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND
Duane Allman's dead. Dickey's kicked out of the band. At the very least, they should change their name. How about "Southern Rock Band No. 256?"
THE B-52's
I love 'em. "Rock Lobster" will get me on the dance floor every time. But it's kinda creepy seeing them do the wild thing now. Admit it, would you leave your kid alone with Fred Schneider?
THE BEACH BOYS
These guys have pissed all over Brian Wilson's good name and musical genius for more than 20 years with court battles, appearances on "Baywatch" and lame excuses for songs like "Kokomo." It's just a disgrace. They should finally do the right thing and retire so we can be left in peace with our copies of "Pet Sounds."
